How I’ve been changed by somatic work
When I was in high school I remember a guest presenter came to speak in one of our classes. She was a parent of a classmate of mine, likely in her mid- thirties at the time. She shared with our class about a loss she experienced when she was young- the death of a parent. As she shared I watched as tears fell down her cheeks, her body seemed to tense, her shoulders hunched slightly. I watched, feeling my own grief mirroring her, and also seeing this person going through this memory in such a present way in her body. It was as though the memory it had just happened or was happening as she shared- though the story had been from over 20 years earlier.
Something in that stuck with me deeply.
I spent much of my teens and early twenties experiencing chronic and near-constant anxiety and some ongoing health challenges that were undiagnosable by doctors and dramatically forced a change in my daily life. Unbeknownst to me, I was experiencing PTSD and my body was responding in many ways out of my control that felt confusing and overwhelming to me. I felt constantly like something was wrong and would oscillate between feeling totally scared and then numb. I began making choices that were dangerous for me, including drinking excessively. I couldn’t feel joy. I was chronically exhausted and needed 10+ hours of sleep a night, but I wasn’t able to fall asleep and would stay up for hours playing computer games terrified of closing my eyes. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, sweating and nauseous and terrified. In short my life felt totally out of my control. I was deeply ashamed and felt lonely and isolated constantly.
At the time I didn’t know what caused my PTSD and wouldn’t put all the pieces together for many years to even realize that’s what was happening. But what I did learn during that time would change me forever.
I learned that I couldn’t override my body’s messages. As much as I was trying to ignore it, I began to realize that my body was telling me things and when I wasn’t listening the messages got louder and louder. It became clear that trying to ignore or push away what I was feeling was not working and that I was going to need to try something new.
The journey in this process was long and painful at times. And though it was hard, this process led me to become more of myself.
Through somatic work and other therapeutic supports, I learned ways of knowing and seeing and understanding myself that felt transformative and new to me. I remember saying to a somatic practitioner at the time that it felt like at times I was wading through mud. But wading through mud brought me to new experiences. I learned how to recognize what brought me joy in ways that I had never felt before. I learned how to let my body share messages and actually started to understand what they were. I learned that the racing thoughts and difficulty closing my eyes was connected to a flight state my body was experiencing. I learned the numbness I was feeling was connected to a freeze response my body was in. The learnings normalized my experiences- instead of feeling ashamed and alone and out of control, I started to understand that my body was experiencing what all of us humans experience and have kept us here alive up til now- survival responses. These responses are profoundly important and I don’t actually need them to go away. But I learned was how to be in relationship with these experiences in new ways. To notice what cues were telling me that my boundaries were being crossed, to notice when my body needed to rest instead of push. In this process I learned how to feel more feelings- how to cry, how to feel anger, and how to feel immense joy and aliveness.
The somatic healing work I did increased a sense of trust I have in myself that I’ll be able to tolerate and move through things that would have felt too scary or overwhelming in the past.
The trauma I was processing at the time included grief from loss when I was very young, as well as other complex experiences including ancestral trauma and systemic harm. This process for me has been non-linear and there isn’t an end to the learning. Through somatic practices over the years I watched my experience in myself and my body transform. As I got older, I found myself able to embody my gender in new ways that I never could have imagined in my twenties. I found myself learning how to connect with my ancestors and feel held and a part of something bigger. I have been learning how to stay in conflict and be loving and messy. And it also helped me recognize all the ways my body responded to the traumas I have experienced- and brought more appreciation to the knowings and adaptations my body made that were below my thinking mind.
On a daily basis I feel immensely grateful for the incredible support and guidance I had and continue to have from somatic practitioners.
I pursued training in somatic work and have been committed to offering this to others because of the ways that it changed me and want to share this with those who feel called to learn. Schedule a consultation here to discuss more about how this work can support you in your journey.
